4 Zombie Orwell reviews a prehistoric game nobody knows about

The videogame that is called Zombies Ate My Neighbors (or ZAMN) is a videogame from before the time of recording gaming history. As hence, it is a prehistoric relic that is known only by a few historians.

And me.

But although it is not known, it holds important information that we must utilize if we are to succeed in our Zombie Liberation Revolution Movement. Firstly it involves the eating of humans. Secondly it is highly controversial amongst our most intelligent leaders (including me, obviously). Thirdly is another aspect. Fourthly we will review the game now by tackling the above numbered importances.

Firstly: The eating of humans is represented in this game in a very specific nature/manner/way. The whole game revolves around Zombies eating humans. Hence why the title is titled Zombies Are Now Eating My Filthy Human Neighbors (ZANEMFHN). However, the eating is not very realistic. Much like in Amy Winehouse and The Second Evil Resident, it is far too easy to lead your human character into the munching arms of zombies. I would like a greater challenge. But I suppose my incredible gaming skills are too great. Obviously if developers were making difficulty levels to satisfy my prowess, then everybody else would be left with a too hard game.

Anyway, the eating of humans is done very poorly. The zombie merely rubs up against your Giant Douchebag man or Lady Person. The human yells “ow, ow, ow” until they start spinning around and then fall down.

140796-225882-zombiesatemyneighborscharactersgif-620x

 

Secondly: The controversy surrounding this game is about whether we can use it as a training program to further the furtherance of our Liberation Movement Revolution experiment. Clearly the top-down view offers tactical advantages not available in other zombie media such as The Amy and the Second Evil Resident. See the graphic below for a strategic tactical view of gruesome-ness.

140796-225882-ZombiesAteMyNeighbors1993Konamijpg-620x

(See the graphic above for a strategic tactical exposure into the Revolution)

As you can see in the above satellite image, the zombies in the picture are unaware of the Douchebag human behind them. WE MUST ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT HUMANS MIGHT BE BEHIND US!!!! DO NOT ALWAYS ASSUME THAT THEY ARE IN FRONT OF OUR FACES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VERY IMPORTANT.

I must insert a digression about the tactics and logistics of our impending Liberation Struggle. I know that Destructorb is a secure zombie network, but in case any humans have accidentally clicked upon my words, please scroll ahead to the picture of me dancing. That is where I will resume the videogame reviewings.

Okay, fellow delicate soldiers, we are now alone. The above graphic illustrates that having a realistic understanding of an area will aid us immeasurably. The tactical infiltration of suburban human neighborhoods will be almost identical to this game: Our units will slowly romp from house to house. The humans will do whatever they do. Their response will probably involve using the Violence against us. They are unlikely to understand the significance of our objectives. But we must not stoop to their levels too much.

Humans tend to be paranoid about things that they call “Zombie Hordes.” This is because the humans think we care only about eating them, but we know that the killing of humans has been merely tangential to previous zombie movements. Tangential, not inherent. Their perception of us is unfortunate, but unavoidable until further dialogue is acquired with the filthy humans.

Okay so you are now asking “Dear Zombie Orwell: You explicated that ZAMN is a perfect replication of how to subdue human populations!?!??!!!! Why are you talking about the non-killing of them? Fuck you Zombie Orwell.”

You make a fallacious argument. I did not state that Infiltration will be exactly like the ZAMN. Rather, the TACTICS will be very similar. The objective of our Movement is very unlike the objective of a videogame, as you should know by now. However, we can use the basic tactics of ZAMN for our own purposes.

140796-225882-IEATDANCINGJPG-620x

Thirdly: Just like The Amy and Resident Evil Revelaitions 2, this game is far too easy. The objective, as always, is to guide your filthy human people into the munching arms of the zombies. This is done by pushing the so-called “D – Pad.” (P.S. I believe the “D” in “D – Pad” stands for “Death by zombie.” So its full name is “Death-by-zombie Pad.” (Also I would appreciate it if somebody would start a Musical Band named “Death-by-zombie Pad.”))

Okay fellow zombie gamers. Once again you have experienced a supreme review by the world’s most prescient and Orwellian writer. Have a thoughtful day!!!