6 A Confession of Great Gravity

Are you a believer in me? I am a believer in you. We should believe each other. And we should especially believe me when I make a confession of great gravity to you all:

I am highly intelligent.

I do realize that some of you may have realized this already (the smarter ones among you, at least). But I go to extreme lengths to not be shoving my high learning in your faces, as I know it causes many people to feel awkwardly about themselves and to envy (and maybe even dislike) the smarter person. I realize all this.

But I must take a calculated risk by telling you the abovementioned secret. I do not tell you in order to en-grand-ize myself, but rather in order to explain the very complicated language that I sometimes must needs employ in my writings.

You see, sometimes I have very big and important ideas. I sometimes think about things in ways which most people can’t. And hence these big thoughts and theories are impossible to convey using language that is easy for stupid people to understand. I am not trying to exclude you from my ideas, but some people just aren’t smart enough to understand many thoughts that are great and important and complicated. I will also now give you access to another secret about me:

I am a great writer.


Again, the creme of the croppe amongst you may have gathered this tidbit of intel before I spilled my zombie guts. If a stupid person stumbles across my reviews, they will no doubt be reading my writings and struggling to comprehend the meaning, which forces them to the uncomfortable conclusings that I am not a good writer. Actually, I AM a good writer, but their failure to understand my words can be traced to the afore-said stupidity of their brain.

To illustratize my fine point I will now point our eyes in the direction of the Once Great (but no longer great hahalol) George Herbert Walker Orwell. The below-quoted quote I wrote before my decease-ment. In the text I show a passage from the Bible, and then I explain how to improve immeasurably upon the original prose:

Here is a well-known verse from Ecclesiastes:

I returned and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

Here it is in modern English:

Objective considerations of contemporary phenomena compel the conclusion that success or failure in competitive activities exhibits no tendency to be commensurate with innate capacity, but that a considerable element of the unpredictable must invariably be taken into account.

I am Orwell and I rule all.

So now as we have seen, I was Orwell and I ruled all. But I am now a zombie and so humans think I am no longer in rule de toute le monde de grammatique as the French would say. Or, as the Spaniards might eloquate: Estas palabras sind largas, doch voce nao pode entender o que eu estou saying. Porque? Because ich bin muito mas smart und pretty que voce. Vive les Zombies, bitch!

That’s how the Spaniards would’ve said it, if they hadn’t gone extinct in 1994.