1. I am The Orwell.
A few decades ago I was widely regarded as one of the world’s most prescient and Orwellian writers. I wrote many important things like: Homage to Catalonia, 1984, Animal Farm, and The Bible. But then I died, which meant that I couldn’t write anymore. But now I’m back; new and improved.
2. I am your leader.
As the most prescient and Orwellian writer in the whole of Earth, I have taken it upon myself to lead our collective Zombie Liberation Movement. I know you have many questions about your role. I understand your impatience and eagerness to begin, but we must build awareness first. Destructzord is the best place for us to start. First Destructzord, then the Internet, then the entirety of Pop Culture, then Chinese Restaurants, then… we’ll see. What should we take over after Chinese Restaurants? Maybe Chicago?
3. I am very prescient.
I’ve already acknowledged my extreme prescience. In fact, the previous foreshadowing of my current discussion of prescience was very prescient. I correctly and exactly predicted that I would discuss prescience. Perhaps you fondly remember the delicate prose in my best-written and most famous book Homage to Catalonia? Or maybe you prefer my equally lovely novel of Negative Utopia 1984?
Needless to say, I am the world’s most prescient and Orwellian writer. Hemingway once said that his only desire was to write one true sentence. Well, I’ve beaten him because ALL of my sentences are true. And he’s still dead. (Such an asshole.)
4. I am a great lover.
This is obvious. Great writers make fantastic lovers. That’s a fact. Would you love to love me? You can. Tell me why you would be my greatest lover.
5. My words infest your ears with splendid languidness.
For example: “Merely twice within the self-same span of years given to man may he inhabit the curious role of interloper among the many squallid shambles of creation. Thence-withly must he fornicate anew.”
6. I make lovely visual art.
Perhaps you’ve had the privilege of reading my previous reviews and seeing a beautiful shapely figure portrayed on your screen. Many of those shapely beauties are drawn by ME!!!
7. You may contact me.
I am a very important zombie, but I always try to communicate with my comrades. Hit me up at email@example.com or twitter.com/zombieorwell if you need to discuss sensitive matters involving the Zombie Liberation Movement or sexy dating advice. I am an accomplished fornicator!
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Thanks for reading, baby!